i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
