im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
