I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
