I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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