Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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