i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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