got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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