Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i think my mom watched the whole time
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
