I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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