at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
jump out the window naked night went bad
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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