someone threw a dead crab at me
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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