my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
