i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
