I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
