I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
