I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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