This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just google imaged poop.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
