I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We had to coat check the pizza.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
