So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
How did I end up in the pool?!
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There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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