i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Randomize
