I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
