In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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