So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
