what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
