My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
