Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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