it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
