I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
