The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
