Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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