Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
