There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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