I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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