i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
