2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
