phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize