So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
