You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
