Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
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