I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
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