Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
