John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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