how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
