In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
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