I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
