the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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