Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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