you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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