sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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