dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
